Forgive Me
by Emiri-chan the GREAT
Summary: PG-13 to R. Forces from within are driving Kenshin to insanity and causing him bodily harm. The only people who can save him from this are the Kenshin-gumi. But when they are sucked into his psyche, how will they take knowing EVERYTHING about him?
1. Chapter 1: Bound by Blood

Okay, I'm just trying this one out, okay? If it sucks, I'll remove it, and yes, this is one where the Kenshin-gumi is sucked into Kenshin's pysche.  
This is one of my darkies, people. Angst, injury, pain and torment. Enjoy!**  
**  
(Warning : One scene fairly reminiscient of Warrior's Pride, if any of you remember that one.)

**  
**______________________________**  
**______________________________****

  
  
  
Forgive Me  
  
Night. Dark, cold, comfortless.

Those three adjectives were the only things on his mind at that moment, even staring at the soft moonlight being cast across the river. Kenshin watched absently as the moon's reflection played sleepily along the water's surface, clouds drifting across its face.

He could hear the others ahead of him, talking, fighting, laughing as they walked home from the Akabeko. It had been a mostly uneventful night, aside from the brawl that had almost broken out after Yahiko hit a drunk Sanosuke in the face with a bowl of rice. Kenshin supposed it was okay that he'd been hit instead of the eleven-year-old; everyone had been so taken up with fussing over his poor head and sputtering apologies that the cause of the spat was forgotten.  
_  
"Oh shit! Man, Kenshin, gomen! You okay?!"_

"Orooooo--"

"Sano no baka! Kenshin, daijoubu?"

"H-hai Kaoru-dono--ororoooo..."

He rubbed his cheek tenderly. The swelling was down; that was good. With any luck there wouldn't be a bruise in the morning. Kenshin sighed and returned his attention to the water.

Nights like these...

Suddenly something flashed across his vision, a haze, flitting briefly over his sight like a fluttering moth. The moon was painted a dark red, pulsing, a sudden scream, and the sick smell of blood began to creep into his nostrils. Then, just as suddenly as the breeze, it was gone.

He shook his head, a chill beginning to run down his spine. It was probably nothing. Just memories, a dark night, and an overactive imagination.

"Kenshin?"   
_  
Shimatta. _He forced the smile into place as Kaoru approached him. Her expression bore worry. 

Concern for him. Shimatta.

"Daijoubu ka? You're pale," she said, lifting a hand to his cheek. "And," she felt his forehead, "you're sweating. Is everything alright?"

"Hai. Daijoubu, Kaoru-dono. Thank you," he said, his voice cracking slightly. He cleared his throat. "I just... We'd better head back now, de gozaru." With a slight shake of his head Kenshin walked past her, in the direction of the dojo.

"But--Kenshin, wait..." Kaoru stopped herself, watching brokenly as he walked away. He wouldn't tell her. Just like always. It made her both angry and sad at the same time, everday, everytime.   
_  
All he ever does is keep it to himself whenever anything bothers him.  
_  
A single tear escaped her notice as she slowly followed the red-haired mystery into the night.

______________________

  
"You IDIOT!! WHY DID YOU DO THAT?!?"

"Hungh? D-d-do what, Yahiko--chan?" Sanosuke said drowsily.

"YOU TRIPPED ME!" the indignant eleven-year-old shouted.

"Did not," Sano said, looking up with a peeved expression from the floor, hands flung lazily behind his head. "Look kid, if you don't want people finding out about your sake guzzling, then don't be such a drunk. Don't try to blame it on an innocent man."

"I did not!! You were waiting for me to come in the door!!"

"Oyasumi, Sano. Yahiko."

Yahiko looked up as Kaoru entered the front room, sliding the shoji aside absently. 

"Oi, Bus-- What's wrong?"

Yahiko cut off in midsentence when he caught sight of her face. The girl's cheeks were wet, and her eyes red-rimmed. Her shoulders were slumped forward in an almost dejected fashion.  
_  
What's with her?_ He wondered briefly. The boy shrugged. Whatever it was, she'd get over it in the morning. Maybe he'd trash Sano while she was too out of it to yell at him. Slowly the boy tiptoed toward the prone fighter snoring on the living room floor.

"Oh Sanoooosukeeeeee...huh?" He froze as his gaze travelled over the window.

A light was on in the bath house outside.   
_  
Nobody should be out there now; it's really late. Almost midnight.  
_  
Yahiko peered carefully out of the open window, leaning forward. He squinted as he tried to get a glimpse of whoever was--

Suddenly, a flash of fiery red.  
_  
Kenshin?_

The rurouni was stripping his shirt from his body almost frantically in the soft yellow light of a lamp, his hair flowing down his back from its ponytail, thrashing back and forth. His back was toward the window, making his face impossible to see, but Yahiko could've sworn his air was one of panic. 

What was Kenshin doing trying to bathe at this time of night? And why so quickly?  
_  
Maybe I should go check on him.   
_  
After a few moments of mental debate, Yahiko's sleepiness caught up with him. He decided to leave the man to his own business. If Kenshin felt he needed a bath right then, then he should be able to clean himself up without being bothered.

The raven-haired samurai looked down at the pile of inebriated white cloth and pointy, dark brown hair that was his friend-slash-rival and rolled his eyes. That big idiot. In a few minutes the boy was fast asleep next to Sanosuke, sprawled out in the exact same position as the drunken street fighter.

Meanwhile Kenshin was having a much harder problem than simply staying awake.

________________  
Morning came faster than anyone had expected.

Yahiko was the first one up, Kaoru, the second, and, of course, Sanosuke was last. The daily routine was as always, and Sano was sitting up on the tatami floor, rubbing sleep from his eyes. Kaoru opened the shoji to go see Kenshin, he was always up doing laundry at this time. Yahiko appeared in the hallway, hauling a broom...and abruptly tripped over Sano once again.

"Wha--Sanooo!!!" he whined. "You **baka!!"**

"Yahiko-chan, it's too early for this. Go bug Kenshin."

"_Why y_--" What? Kenshin. That's right, he was going to check on him in the morning--

"**KENSHIN! NOOOOOOOO!!! KENSHIIIN!!**"

Sano and Yahiko looked at each other.

"Jou-chan," Sano whispered.

The two tore open the shoji and bolted for the bath house. Kaoru was throwing herself at the door, pounding on it hysterically, ready to tear it from its hinges.

Sano grabbed the girl's shoulders. "Jou-chan, what is it, what's wrong?"

Kaoru's eyes were full of tears and desperation. "I knew it, I knew something was wrong," she stammered. "Kenshin--I saw him through the window as I walked up--his eyes--"

An involuntary shiver overtook Sano's body. "Kaoru. What's wrong with him?"

"Please Sano, you have to help me get the door open! Please!"  
_  
Better try the somewhat polite approach first..._

BANG! BANG! "Kenshin! Oi! KENSHIN! Can you hear me?**_--_**KENSHIN!!"

There was a faint moan from the other side of the door. 

Sano couldn't wait any longer. "Yahiko!"

"Ou!"

"On three---three!"  
_  
**WHAMM!!!! **  
_  
The door came loose and fell flat on the bath house's wooden floor. Kaoru rushed in and put her arms around the fallen, half-naked man leaning over the edge of the tub. The water was pink.

"Kenshin, Kenshin please, look at me, please," she begged. He didn't look up. The rurouni's hair was completely covering his face. 

Sano put a hand on his shoulder. "Kenshin, what's wrong?"

Then he lifted his head.

Kaoru screamed. 

Sano's face was ashen. He froze in place, his fingers trembling.

"Kenshin..." Yahiko blurted in horror.

He looked like a corpse.

The man's features were so pale they were almost blue. His high cheekbones were protruding from his face as the skin stretched almost drum tight over the frame. His lips were blue, and he was shivering. But strangest and most disturbing was the blood that flowed from his ears, nose, eyes, and mouth. He was dressed only in his white hakama, which was now stained, and his skin almost blended with the fabric. 

Then...  
...there were his eyes. 

Kenshin's eyes were clouded over, completely white, and they seemed to be studying something unseen. The lids were blackish, bruised, as if he had been beaten, and a cold sweat was sliding down his face.

"Oh--oh man," Sano managed. "Yahiko, get the fox. Now."

"Wh-what? Oh--y-yeah," he gulped, and ran out of the room.

"Ken--Kenshin. Can you hear me?" Kaoru said in a falsely calm voice.  
He turned his head slowly to look at her with eyes that didn't exist. The rurouni was almost unaware, vacant, as though he were underwater.

".._.I can hear you_." 

His voice was barely a whisper of breath, flowing from his mouth. 

Kaoru bit her lip to keep from screaming again. She was going into shock. 

"Kenshin. How. Did you get like this."

"..._I killed you,_" he murmured softly. "_I killed you all_." Slowly, fluidly, he turned to face Sanosuke. "_I killed you. I killed Yahiko. I killed Ka...I--I killed--_" His face began to twist into an expression of slight pain. Then slowly shifted to agony. 

"-_-I killed her_--"

Suddenly his scar seemed to widen as a tear of blood made its way across his face, leaving a thick scarlet trail behind it. 

"_I don't want to do this anymore...I don't want to see them here...Make it stop...Please make them go away_..." He leaned and finally fell backward against Sano, bouncing slightly as he slid and hit the wet floor. Kaoru couldn't move.

One of his hands was moving along the floor towards her, grasping the air for her hand as his eyes closed. Sano shakily guided Kenshin's hand to meet Kaoru's. Numbly her fingers clutched at his. A small smile formed on his lips as he slipped from consciousness.

His words were almost incoherent."_Can I...sleep now_...?" 

The last thing Sano remembered seeing was Yahiko and Megumi rushing into the room before a brilliant white light blinded him into unconsciousness.

__________________  
__________________

(singing to the tune of High Apple Pie in the Sky Hopes, you know, the ant and the rubber tree plant song at the end of Antz?) "Because she's- eeeeevil, yes she's--eeeeevil..."

I know, I know. Pay Attn., right? Look, I'm trying, Ireally am, but when I wrote this I just did it in a catharsis of tragic angst, so deal. If you like it, review and maybe I'll continue. I've actually got a basic PLOT for this! Can you believe it?!?!?!

Ahem. Welllll, in case you haven't noticed I exist, I do. So, review why doncha?

And YES, I am working on P. A., C. It's coming t-o-o-s-l-o-w-l-y though.  
I'll try and get a GOOD, LONG chapter up for that ASAP. But for now, just tell me if it's good, or if I'm being an angsty, injury-lovin' little freak.

'Kay? 'Kay. 


	2. Chapter 2: Battles of the Mind

Jaa, here ya go. And man, thanks for the reviews. They were so appreciated, escpecially when writing two different chapters of two different fics at the same time, AND with all this school crap piling up... etc. etc.  
  
P.S. This is a revised repost. The next chappie is half-written, but that was 'cause the laptop crashed and I only just got that info back... $800 later. Ugh.  
  
Jaa, have fun! And review if ya do!  
  
o-o-o-o-o-o-o  
  
CHAPTER 2  
  
o-o-o-o-o-o-o  
  
The first thing she was aware of was the voices. Then the smoke.  
  
Then the fire.  
  
Kaoru yanked her head off of the muddy ground and whipped it toward the screams coming from the orange glow of flaming houses in the distance. It was night. The surroundings were unfamiliar, but that only contributed to the sheer horror of it all.  
  
Men were fighting, she could see flashing swords and hear battle cries mingling with the screams of the fallen, and there seemed to be a sort of nest of writhing, shrieking, dying soldiers.  
  
Only when she glanced down did she realize that the mud underneath her prone form was not from rain.  
  
It was blood, running in little streams off of the hillside from the village.  
  
Kaoru's eyes widened in horror as she realized that her hands had sunk elbow-deep into it when she'd propped herself up to see. Her face was stained, her gi was stained, nothing was left untouched. Suddenly, as she scrambled to escape the liquid, it began to throb and pulse, and her vision began to grow dim. The mud was sucking her down into itself, yanking her arms and legs into the bottomless pit.  
  
Kaoru opened her mouth to scream but a wave of muddy gore washed into her mouth as it pulled her down into its depths. There was no air! No air!  
  
'Oh no, oh Kami, no,' was all she could think. 'I'm drowning!'  
  
Her vision had just gone black when a voice screamed her name and a strong pair of arms reached into the muck to pull her back out. She choked and retched, coughing out all the disgusting fluid from her mouth and lungs while Sanosuke propped her head up. "Jou-chan, you okay?" he asked, concern thickening his tone. She nodded, coughing and shivering violently.  
  
'I was two milliseconds away from dying...but...'  
  
After a few minutes of recovery and steady breathing, she found herself with the same question as before.  
  
"Sano--where are we?"  
  
They both looked up with fearful fascination at the fiery inferno of screaming men, women and-- children? Were those children there? The houses had begun to collapse under the heat, and the flames rose higher, almost twenty feet into the air. No matter how hard you looked, it seemed impossible; there was no sky, no stars; just darkness, fire, and death.  
  
Explosions sounded in the distance and the people kept forming a sort of bloody, seething ball around one particular entrance to a house. Their faces were that of the dead, bone and rotting skin showing under their angry, sorrowing, panic-stricken expressions, and suddenly Kaoru had a horrible vision of how Kenshin had been right before they were taken here. She shivered unconsciously; the girl had never seen such horrors, even in her nightmares.  
  
"S-Sano..." she stammered quietly. "Is...is this--"  
  
"Kaoru-san!" Megumi appeared, waving. She ran towards them as fast as she could, her hair in disarray, her face smudged with mud and dirt and blood. She was shortly accompanied by Yahiko, who was in the same shape except that the shoulder of his gi was torn open, and he kept his eyes on the soldiers. The boy was staring at the writhing demons of battle as if his eyes were going to pop out of his head.  
  
"Kaoru-san, daijoubu?" Megumi panted. "Where are we?"  
  
"It--it's hell," Yahiko managed.  
  
"It's the Revolution," Sano said darkly.  
  
The three beside the street fighter stared at the him astonishedly. "What?"  
  
"I remember this," he sighed. "It was just like this, except...well, the people were normal. And the children were already dead."  
  
"Sano...You...lived through this?" Kaoru said sternly, touching his arm.  
  
"I was eight," Sanosuke began slowly. "I had already left my home... Captain Sagara took me in, said I could help them fight, help them end the time of opression. He died shortly after this battle. We were only passing through at the time... But what I'd like to know is how the hell did we get here?" The man broke his reverie and slammed his fist against the dead tree that sheltered them. "All I remember is seeing Kenshin fall and then there was a white light. And now we're...we're back...here."  
  
"The Bakumatsu? But...but..." The more Kaoru took in their surroundings the more believable it became. Soldiers, fire... There, the Shogunate crest. But it was impossible...  
  
"Kenshin," Kaoru said suddenly, remembering. "He was-- where is he?" A new, horrible thought occured to her. "Is he in there somewhere?!"  
  
"Right," Yahiko said, snapping his fingers. "We're all here, aren't we? So where is Kenshin?"  
  
"I don't know, but things are beginning to heat up over there," Sanosuke said grimly. "If we're gonna find him it'd better be soon." He was right. The Kenshin-gumi found themselves paralyzed as they looked on at the throng seething and writhing before them.  
  
Several men were engaged in decapitating a pair of Shogunate soldiers, while countless others seemed to be involved in what looked like wrestling with swords. It was a disturbed anthill, countless soldiers losing themselves in the struggle.  
  
Suddenly a cry was taken up by the crowd. It was the voice of insanity.  
  
"Hitokiri!"  
  
"The manslayer is here!"  
  
"Hitokiri Battousai is here!"  
  
"Nooo!"  
  
"Victory is ours!"  
  
"Shogunate dogs!"  
  
No.  
  
Kaoru and the others looked on in silent horror as the group of men suddenly dissolved into skeletons with nothing but armor and badannas in a burst of ki and flame, flags burning in the wind. Over the cries of the dying men a single, high, horrible scream was heard over the din.  
  
The doors to the largest house where the bodies were swarming burst open and out stepped a soldier dressed in black. His hair was streaming out behind him as he stood in the melee, and in the firelight it almost looked--  
  
Red.  
  
"Kenshin!" Kaoru screamed.  
  
"Kenshin," Yahiko breathed, staring.  
  
"Oh man."  
  
"Ken-san--"  
  
He was almost normal again. His hair was tied high, and his face was clean and full of color. Well, at least it wasn't as deathly pale as before. His clothes were gray and dark, shabby, lifeless. And there was a pair of weapons at his waist. His expression was agony as he drew his sword.  
  
'Oh Kenshin, no,' Kaoru thought.  
  
The manslayer took one look at the adversaries surrounding him and looked deeply into each face, as though he couldn't stop himself. The throng gazed back through gaping sockets, then in a sudden burst of the man's ki, fell like puppets with cut strings. They writhed, twisting and turning on the ground, screams and cries erupting like lava.  
  
They were begging to be spared.  
  
Kenshin's face was paling, and his eyes shut tight. A single tear escaped from his left.  
  
'No--don't--don't make me do it again-- I can't! I can't! Please, no! No! NOOOOOOOOOOO!!'  
  
With a heart-rending scream, the manslayer stepped forward--and began to massacre the already dead. The reaction from the Kenshin-gumi was instantaneous.  
  
"Kenshin, no!"  
  
"Kenshin--"  
  
Kaoru couldn't believe it. She just couldn't. She had never seen Kenshin this way. He was screaming and slashing away at the fallen bodies of the soldiers like a madman, blood splashing his clothes. The men were already doomed, and they pleaded for life, staring him in the face as he murdered them, and pleaded for someone to stop him. He was killing them and he couldn't control himself.  
  
Kaoru shouted for him and began moving toward the burning village, but someone stepped in front of her. She looked up at him, questioning desperately. "Sano, what--"  
  
"Shhhh, Jou-chan. Look," he said, pointing to where Kenshin was destroying the corpses. "There. Listen to him. He's crying," he told her. " Can you hear him? Kenshin is screaming at those bodies, but look. His mouth isn't moving." Sanosuke looked at her seriously. "Kaoru, we're hearing his thoughts."  
  
"Wh-what?" Yahiko sputtered. "You mean--"  
  
"Guys, I think...I think we're inside Kenshin's head."  
  
"You-you mean...this is in Kenshin?" Yahiko gasped.  
  
Sano seemed to be the most in-the-know of them all, folding his arms and leaning against the dead tree. "Is it really that surprising? You heard the stuff Hiko mentioned. And Jou-chan," he said, turning towards her. "Your room is next to his just like mine. Don't tell me you haven't heard his nightmares."  
  
Megumi and Yahiko stared at Kaoru's tight-lipped, silent acknowledgement. "How could I not?" she said bitterly. "He won't tell anyone anything, it happens every night! I knew something was wrong with him last night, but-- He just can't let anyone get close to him."  
  
"But Jou-chan, don't you think this is why?" Sano swept a hand across the gory scene. "He didn't want us to see this. He loves us too much. He loves you too much." He cocked his head to the side, watching her. Kaoru looked at the ground, a troubled expression etched onto her face.  
  
'Ka--Kaoru...?'  
  
The girl looked up at the sound of her name.  
  
Kenshin was kneeling at the base of the hill, totally immobile. He was staring at the group under the tree, wonder, surprise, confusion, and fear written endlessly on his features.  
  
He was also endlessly covered with blood.  
  
Kaoru realized that this, this stained, disgusting, unworthy creature, was how he saw himself. And when she realized that, she couldn't take it anymore. Kenshin thought he was so dirty, so sinful, so bloodstained, that he stayed away to keep her safe, and he looked at himself as that lowly demon every minute of every day. For almost twelve years, maybe for his entire life.  
  
Kaoru broke down crying into Sano's chest, and he reached to hold her up.  
  
Kenshin watched in numb silence as she cried in Sano's arms, kneeling helplessly, alone, in the pool of blood that he had made. His worst fear had finally come true.  
  
She knew.  
  
She knew exactly what he was, and she couldn't face him. She couldn't look at him for what he really was. It was over. His salvation; lost. She could never love him, he knew it was true. His angel had been tainted simply by his being.  
  
How could he have ever hoped for happiness?  
  
He didn't deserve it.  
  
With a sob, Kenshin buried his head in his arms, and cried. A sudden scream resounded off of- what was it? Was it walls? An echo came from somewhere deep in his consciousness, and the Kenshin-gumi was knocked backward as the blindingly bright light flashed once again.  
  
o-o-o-o-o-o-o  
  
Happy Halloween. 


End file.
